When you go through infertility, you form a bond with people that struggle with similar things you have. You somewhat NEED to do this in order to survive a world that is so child focused the minute you walk down the aisle. The truth is you need these people because it is hard to find others who understand if they haven't been there. This isn't impossible, but difficult. These people are able to sit with you and not say anything when things have failed yet again, because they know there is absolutely nothing you can say at that moment that will be helpful. If you are blessed to have a child in the midst of that mess like we were, the bond in that group changes but you still feel pain for the others still waiting on that blessing.
Lately, I have been confused yet again about all of this. I found out that a friend lost another child---their third loss and second this year--and I just don't understand it. We've talked in the past about her babies and the two Jason and I lost dancing / hanging out with Jesus in Heaven waiting to meet us. This isn't always comforting to me and I don't always understand it. I'm not feeling peaceful about it. I'm still angry when I hear of people who do not appreciate the children they have. I got mad at that article on late term abortion that's been floating around Facebook-- actually I almost got sick when I read it. We have friends deeply hurting as they try to have babies. Also, Jason's grandmother passed away recently. My mom lost her job of 16 years. There is so much tribulation and pain going around right now and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Today I am not in a peaceful place. I'm quite restless and discouraged. I understand God has a plan for us and our purpose is to serve Him. Today I needed to be reminded of that. I started searching for verses on peace and prayed earnestly for it. Here's one that really stood out:
John 16:33: I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
I've always felt it was okay to sometimes feel uneasy and questioning with God. I've told clients it is okay to get good and angry, but what you do with that anger is what really matters. Whether or not that all is actually true, you'll have to decide. I am not a theologian. I have found that in the past when I have gone through these times, particularly the six years we waited for Isabella, was a rich time for me to learn and grow in my relationship with God. It was painful as most growing pains are. One of the biggest lessons for me through this is on control. I am a control freak and still want what I want when I want it right now (addictive behavior). As an addictions counselor, I know that an addiction has to be worked on throughout life, you are never truly "cured". There's even a saying in AA - once an addict, always and addict, meaning you have to constantly watch yourself in order to maintain your sobriety. I think that when I struggle, I need to relearn that lesson about control. I need to relinquish my need for control to God and find peace. Like sobriety, I have to learn and relearn the lesson over and over again to stay fresh. God never promised that we would be in complete control and nothing bad would ever happen. In fact, he says bad is coming. He did, however, say that He is in control of the world -- I am not.
~ Bella's Mommy
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