I often wonder what my daughter is thinking when she looks at me. We come from such a hyper-sensitive culture, one that is always criticizing and putting each other down. It affects all of us differently. One thing that has happened to both Jason and I through our struggle to have little 'Bella is that it has deeply affected how we view ourselves. It is impossible to be poked and prodded at for years and not have it make you doubt what you have done wrong. Should we have tried sooner and not put our careers first? Did we put too much emphasis on having a "perfect life" early on? Did our doubts of being parents cause us to lose our chances? Or even something as stupid as I just had a cup of coffee this morning, did that change everything? Needless to say infertility makes you turn inward a lot; you become focused on yourself and forget who else can be affected. Sometimes you forget to include God in your life. You struggle with how you feel about yourself and how others look at you. After all, being childless and married over 6+ years always causes questions from others.
None of that matters to Isabella. I was looking at her today as I was rocking and feeding her. She was looking up at me with those big baby blues (seriously if you haven't seen them yet, you need to) and she just appeared so content. No matter how much I may struggle as a parent and worry about raising her "right", she just wants to be with me. I look back at her and hope she chooses to do the right thing. I hope she gives her life to God and loves Jesus. I hope she choses the right friends and (gasp) boyfriends. We talk to her all the time about Jesus and sing to her while she just looks up to us with those eyes. Even when she bumps her head, becomes angry, or is tired; she is easily calmed when she sees I can meet her needs.
I see so many parallels to our life with 'Bella and my relationship with God so far. I'm sure I will see many more. I often get anxious and impatient with God. I question and struggle. I cry. I become insecure and doubt that God has a plan for me. I push away from God when I don't necessarily like the plan He has. I fuss when I have bumped my head, become angry or am tired.
I imagine that God wants me to be more like Isabella with Him. He probably smiles when I relax and acknowledge that He meets my needs (no matter how big or small). I need to be more affixed to His gaze and allow him to calm me. I can learn a lot about trust and faith from 'Bella who hasn't been affected by the overly-critical world she lives in -- at least not yet. Mark 10:15 says "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." What a telling verse that one is. The passage goes on to say that Jesus took the children up into His arms and blessed them -- that must have been a wonderful sight and a result of looking at God through my daughter's eyes.
Anyways, today I prayed to be more like my 3-month-old daughter who is asleep next to me. I also prayed to be more like the One who deserves to be looked at like that. After all, parenting my daughter without the blanket of God's love and truth would be parenting without the greatest example ever known.
~ Bella's Mommy
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