You only have one?

I was at the mall yesterday getting a much-needed hair cut (since 'Bella loves to rip it out of my head) and was talking to the hairdresser.  The following conversation was had:

Hairlady:  You have such a beautiful baby.
Me:  Thank you.  She is wonderful.
H:  You only have one?
M:  Yes.
H:  When are you going to have another one?
M:  We aren't sure.
H:  I bet you want to have a lot when you make perfect babies like that.  How many do you want to have?  You  should have another right away......
M:  Oh, we are happy with her and we are thinking she might be our only one.  We'll see.
H:  Oh......<conversation ends>

Tactless as this lady was, she has had me thinking about a lot of things since.

Jason and I don't like to talk about this with others, because the truth is we are super grateful for our gift from God.  Bella is and always will be our miracle, something we waited for through six long years and countless pokes and prods.  A lot of the time, we don't believe we have the right to feel bad or complain  because of this.  We see our friends who are struggling to have a baby and who are we to be sad when we have one?  I recently read an article that stated infertility ends in one of three ways:  you have a child, you live childless, or you adopt.  This simply isn't the truth, because it doesn't end. The truth is infertility sucks and it doesn't stop sucking when you have a baby.  The pain is so much less, because we have this miracle, but we are not immune to others thoughts and opinions of what our lives should be.  There's an order in our society (particularly within the Christian culture):  get married, then have a baby.  If you don't do it quickly, people don't get it.  Well now, we are learning when you do have a baby, you are expected to determine how many and when the others will come.

Yes, Jason and I had dreams of a huge family, but that dream looks different now for two reasons:  One, we do have a big family.  We just will have to wait and see our other children someday in Heaven.  Two, we are making peace with having just one earthly child.  We had decided before 'Bella was born that we were stopping fertility treatments.  We are sticking to that decision as of right now.  It is too difficult to get our hopes up every month and have them crushed.  We can't deal with another loss.  The pain from the past six years is still healing.  God had given us one miracle and He could give us another, but we have to learn to be content with the life we are given.  Isabella is amazing and while it is sad that I may not ever get to be pregnant again or experience 36 1/2 hours of labor again, I got to do it once.  That is enough for us, despite the sadness and grief that naturally coincides with all of this.

Another thought from this is that while I am trying to refrain from getting up on a soapbox I often frequent, please please watch what you are saying to others.  You never know what others have gone through.  While having a second, third, or 20th child may be easy for some couples (and if it is, that's amazing and a blessing in itself), having one may take everything emotionally and physically you've got.  Be sensitive to other's feelings and potential struggles and just hold your tongue.

The last thing that has been sloshing around the old melon since this conversation is a message of conviction, and a difficult one to swallow indeed.  This woman told me later that she wasn't able to have kids and her cat has become like a child to her:  oh how I have been there.  The message from all of this is people just talk sometimes.  Infertility can make you so self-centered in a sense; you become so sensitive to every comment that someone makes to you about kids.  That has not changed since 'Bella was born.  People talk just to talk even if that is a dangerous game.  I need to hear her message:  She thought my baby was beautiful and perfect and a gift.  That is true.  So very, very true.  It is important for me to not think that every comment is a personal attack on your ability to have a supersized family.  It just isn't always about me.  Grow up.  It is hard for me to hear comments like "You only have one", but in a way it is preparing me for later.  It is going to be so much harder if one day my daughter comes to me and asks "How come 'Suzy' has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

Future drummer?

Sorry this post turned out to be so disjointed, but that's just how infertility is:  disjointed and unsettled.  I guess sometimes parenting can be as well.  I praise Jesus that I get to have the opportunity to ride that roller coaster and to reap the blessings that often come through tribulation.

~ Bella's Mommy